Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
  You know the place
  well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
    Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
  My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
    Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
  Every single mornin
  It wa driving me crazy
    I said to my mom
  I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
  And my dear, sweet mother
  She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
  And she leaned right down next to me
  And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
  And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
  And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
    That's when I swore that someday
  Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
  Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
  And the towels are oh so fluffy
  Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
  And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
    Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
    Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
  Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
  To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
  I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
  That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
    Albuquerque
  Albuquerque
    Oh yeah
  You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
  And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
  Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
  And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
  The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
  And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
  And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
  And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
  And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
  Except for me
  You know why?
    'Cause I had my tray table up
  And my seat back in the full upright position
  Had my tray table up
  And my seat back in the full upright position
  Had my tray table up
  And my seat back in the full upright position
    Ah ha ha ha
  Ah ha ha
  Ahhhh
    So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
  I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
  Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
  And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
  And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
  But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
  Where the towels are oh so fluffy
  And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
  It's OK, they're clean
    Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
  And I turned on the SpectraVision
  And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
  That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
    Well now, who could that be?
  I say "Who is it?"
  No answer
  "Who is it?"
  There's no answer
  "WHO IS IT?"
  They're not sayin' anything
    So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
  It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
  Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
  So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
  And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
  "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
  And he's like "Tough"
  And I'm like "Give it"
  And he's like "Make me"
  And I'm like "'Kay"
  So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
  And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
  And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
  Yes indeed, you better believe it
  And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
  And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
  And you know what it said?
  I'll tell you what it said
    It said
  "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
  "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
  "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
  "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
    In Albuquerque
  Albuquerque
    Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
  But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
  I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
  But first, I decided to buy some donuts
    So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
  And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
  And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
  I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
  He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
  I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
  He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
  I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
  He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
  I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
  He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
  I said "You got any apple fritters?"
  He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
  I said "You got any bear claws?"
  He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
  "No, we're outta bear claws"
  I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
  He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
  I said "OK, I'll take that"
    So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
  And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
  (rabid gnawing sounds)
  Oh man, they were just going nuts
  They were tearin' me apart
  You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
  I believe it went a little something like this . . .
    Doh
  Get 'em off me
  Get 'em off me
  Oh
  No, get 'em off, get 'em off
  Oh, oh God, oh God
  Oh, get 'em off me
  Oh, oh God
  Ah, (more screaming)
    I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
  Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
  Like a constipated weiner dog
  And as luck wouls have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
  Her name was Zelda
  She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
  I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
  She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"
    That's when I knew it was true love
  We were inseperable after that
  Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
  We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
  The world was our burrito
  So we got married and we bought us a house
  And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
  Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
    But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
  She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
  I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
  "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
  So we broke up and I never saw her again
  But that's just the way things go
    In Albuquerque
  Albuquerque
    Anyway, things really started lookin' upi for me
  Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
  That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
  I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
  Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
  I was gettin' a lot of attitude
    OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
  Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
  When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
  So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
  And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
  "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"
    So I did
    And then he gets all indignant on me
  He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
  Well, that's just great
  How was I supposed to know that?
  I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
  Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
  So what's he complaining about?
    Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
  This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bit in three days
  Well, I knew what he meant
  But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
  And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
  And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
  But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
  (screaming sounds)
  You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
  Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
    Anyway, um, um, where was I?
  Kinda lost my train of thought
    Uh, well, uh, OK
  Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
  But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
    I hate sauerkraut
    That's all I'm really tryin' to say
  And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
  And find yourself in an existential quandry
  Full of loathing and self-doubt
  And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
  At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
  Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
  There's still a little place called
    Albuquerque
  Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    I said "A" (A)
  "L" (L)
  "B" (B)
  "U" (U)
  "querque" (querque)
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
  Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque